Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize