I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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