I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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