you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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