dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
