hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
