I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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