Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
