You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize