The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Found the puke drawer
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
