i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
