Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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