I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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