How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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