I'm gonna have a badass scar
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
