So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
