My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
