Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
