Can Purell be used as lube?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
