Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
