Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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