In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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