He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Alive.
So much puke
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize