I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
