Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize