I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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