I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
