he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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