I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
