I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
