at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
