Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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