Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
