Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
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