Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
