we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
