yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Panties = found
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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