I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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