Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
