I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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