Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
