im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize