I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
