somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
