I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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