Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
