Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
