There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
