She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
