Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Success! We fucked roommates!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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