Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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