There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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