my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize