Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
