so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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