I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
