dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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