Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize