Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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