When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You ate ashes out of my bong
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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