Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
