Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize