So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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