That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You're like the curious george of whores
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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