You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
A+ Viking dick
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